sex toys ads i saw in october that are now seared into my brain
i'm still working on a title for this feature. these are the sex toy ads that i saw in october that i want to share, that's what this is.
today i’m back with the october edition of my first (and so far only) newsletter: sex toy ads that i saw this month and now want to share. last month i went with the pithier title of “sex toy ads i want you to see” which honestly i think is a pretty shit title so i’m trying out this slightly wordier title. maybe i’ll settle on something one day. as always (two out of two times is 100% of the time and that counts as “always”) photocredits are at the end.
quick note about the future: i am actually working on some sex toy reviews as well as a kind of longer sketch about companies trying to put out “unisex” sex toys, so there might actually be some future (at least short term) for this newsletter…
last thing: if you’re into this newsletter and have spare cash you’re welcome to toss tips at me via ko-fi (whose profile i may get around to finishing before this newsletter goes out…)
xoxo girltrash
during my initial skimming of SIGN Mag i was honestly kind of worried that there wasn’t anything of interest this month and then there was a miracle and i saw this…
sure it’s not technically an ad, it’s from an overview of Rocks-Off’s newest offerings, but forgive me this one: it’s a fucking raspberry anal vibe. a fucking raspberry anal vibe. at least it’s not raspberry scented?
(and no, it doesn’t seem like “ass-berries” is a product line of weird berry anal vibes. it’s just the raspberry. idk why they they didn’t fucking double down and make a whole fucking fruit cobbler of anal toys. [i realize now that it’s probably because ASS-berries is kind of a play on rASSpberries but fuck that.])
i know. you want to know why i pulled this ad to highlight. bright pink and dark black nobbly dildos, really kind of boring. HOWEVER did you read the small print along the top of the ad? here’s the gist of it in real big font:
THEY’RE BUBBLEGUM SCENTED.
BUBBLEGUM SCENTED DILDOS.
(remember how i brought up scented anal toys right before this one? that’s what we call motherfucking foreshadowing, fucker)
is this the most half-hearted lingerie costume i’ve seen in ages or is this kind of….. brilliant? am i just distracted by the model’s hands and eyes? also why is the cowboy wearing a sheriff’s badge? did he take it from the cold body of a dead pig? i’m suddenly kind of “intrigued*.”
*HORNY
are jigsaw puzzles sexy? i feel like the reason we don’t see more jigsaw puzzle related foreplay might not be the lack of puzzles with suggestively softcore erotic imagery but rather the lack of people who have an interest in jigsaw puzzle foreplay. honestly if i’m going to be doing puzzle foreplay i need the final image to be like a gaping creampied asshole or something. fucking commit, you cowards.
i don’t really have anything to say about this. i just. i just would like other people to also see this.
i wonder if the base is firm enough that it might count as a flared base. have we finally reached the point in human history where we can we shove the eiffel tower up our assholes? this is the question that keeps me up at night.
…is the LuvPump Smart Penis Pump going to fucking rip my dick to shreds? cause that’s what i’m getting from this ad. also to be clear: i’m down for it. dear LuvPump, if this doesn’t fucking rip my fucking dick to fucking shreds i will fucking sue you for false advertising.
that’s that for now. maybe i’ll send out a vibrator review before the november edition of whatever this feature ends up being called. maybe there will even be a november edition. who knows. the future is terrifying and nothing but pain is certain.
you know you love me,
girltrash
photo credits:
Ass-Berries Raspberry by Rocks-Off. SIGN Magazine (part two), p. 10 (October, 2020). Screenshot 10/26/2020.
Bubble Toys. DUSEDO+neu ad in Sign Magazine’s “Newsletter” email, sent 10/13/2020. Downloaded 10/23/2020.
2-Piece Giddy Up Cowboy Set by Envy. XBIZ Premiere, p. 116 (October, 2020). Screenshot 10/27/2020.
Puzzle Crush. Europartner ad in Sign Magazine’s “Newsletter” email, sent 10/15/2020. Downloaded 10/23/2020.
La Tour est Folle. Concorde ad in Sign Magazine’s “Newsletter” email, sent 10/8/2020. Downloaded 10/23/2020.
LuvPump Smart Penis Pump. Debranet ad in SIGN Magazine (part two), p. 9 (October, 2020). Screenshot 10/26/2020.